So You Think You're Better Than Tom Cruise...

Well, think again buddy, fact of the matter is you're not!

Speaking in statistical terms you suck and tom cruise rules, even in real terms there's a pretty good chance that Tom is super awesome compared to you. Having replaced Ben Affleck on the media chopping block for the last two years, alot of the stick he has gotten is from know-nothing journalists with not even a shred of the super awesomeness Tom so righfully can claim as his, so I feel a breakdown of just why Tom Cruise is super awesome and you are not is somewhat necessary.

Religion:
Much of the Tom-bashing has been revolving around his involvement with the church of scientology. You belive in some dude who walked on water and liked to feed people fish and wine whom alledgedly lived 2000 years ago, Tom belives in an awesome cool NEW religion from the 1950's with robots, spaceships and a highly scientifical apparatus to measure important stuff, midcentury-modern and fresh at the same time. talk about being truly progressive!!
Verdict: Tom Cruise 1 - You 0.

Love Life:
Tom is by all means probably super gay, you are statistically not gay. Subsequently you should be getting laid with tons of beautiful women and tom should be hanging out in a public restroom with George Michael, is this the fact? Just as you thought - No. Despite (probably) being gay, Tom is truly a gays-gay man, ignoring the sheer fact and putting away the super hotties one after another, I mean, have you ever gotten down with Penélope Cruz, Katie Holmes or Nicole Kidman, no thats right! The only things that puts some shadow on his love life was his same-sex marriage to fellow actor Mimi Rogers but Cruise stepped up to the plate and divorced him in 1990. And you just know that if he ever decides to embrace his gayness and come out of the closet again, he will be a super awesome gay, only hooking up with the hardest looking tom-of-finland bears, reciting butt magazine articles to anyone who wanna listen.
The verdict: Tom Cruise 1 - You 0.

Tom Cruise Day:
The Japanese are as usually on point with most things, also so when it it comes to the Tom. In October 10 of 2006, an official "Tom Cruise Day" was declared in Japan. The Japan Memorial Day Association said that he was awarded with a special day because he has made more trips to Japan than any other Hollywood star. Cruise will be honored by the Japanese people every october 10 for the rest of there lives, how many times a year do you get honored by the Japanese people (or any other people for that matter)?
Once again: Tom Cruise 1 - You 0.

Academy Awards:
He has been nominated for three Academy Awards and won three Golden Globe Awards. At tops, you have a "worlds greatest kid"-greeting card your mother gave you.
Score: Tom 1 - You 0!

Alpha Maleness:
Quite possibly the ultimate alpha male, Tom stands 1.60 cm tall off the ground, but has that stopped him? Tom is (probably) gay, has that stopped him? Tom doesn't even have the equavilent of a high school education, has that ever stopped him? Tom is dyslexic and spells at the level of what - Yeah, the level of super awesomeness!! Has it ever stopped him? Of course it hasn't! Always the leader of the pack, Tom could and would kick the shit out of you any given day if you stepped up to him, afterwards he would help you to a taxi and pay for the ride to the emergency ward, not even telling his friends, cause that's the kind of guy Tom Cruise is!
In the alpha male department: Tom Cruise 1 - You 0.

Out of touchness with life:
Yes, Tom at times seem a little out of touch with reality, so fucking what? The man is a multi billionare, living in a castle full of servants doing hot women and thinking about dianetics. Of course he doesn't wanna partake in your crappy reality. And it's not like he's out of touch in a really weird way, pissing in jars and drinking it, he hopped on a couch giggling like a little school girl! Why - because he can, he's Tom Cruise!! How many times have you even been asked on the Oprah show??
Score: Tom 1 - You 0!

Cash Money:
Tom is one of only three actors in the history of film to have seven consecutive US$100 million blockbusters. Tom eats, shits and breathes money, he could buy you several times over.
Cash Score: Tom 1 - you 0!

Kindness to Man and other animals:
As an act of total selfishness and kindness, Tom pulled out his front teeth and donated them to formerly toothless fashion journalist Sofie Fahrman, he also seem to have donated the crazy stare (i don't know how, but the Tom moves in mysterious ways, and it's not for us to question). You probably ran over a number of small animals with you car today and didn't think twice about it.
Score: Tom gets an awesome one - you a zero!

Politics:
You know it's only a matter of time before the Tom decides the next natural move in his career is into politics. Clerks-director a.k.a. Silent Bob - Kevin Smith recently stated what we all already knew: "Tom would have a great chance of winning an election because of his charm and charisma." When Tom becomes president (and you know he will) it will be the ultimate pwnage of you and the ultimate testament to his super awesomeness!
Politics Score: Tom 1 - You 0!

Final verdict: Tom Cruise = awesome, You = not very awesome!